What We've Learned

Mr. Octopus and I are a textbook case of opposites attracting. While we do have some key things in common--the same sense of humor, a mellow temperament, an optimistic and positive outlook on life--in most aspects, we could not be more different. I've been thinking about this because this past holiday season, my groom and I were separated for two weeks, and it was really hard on both of us. We've been apart for much longer stretches before, but this time, we definitely found ourselves feeling a little sad and a little lost without each other. I've been thinking about why this stint apart was so hard, and I really feel it has a lot to do with how different we are. Steel City Groom and I have come to rely on each other to balance ourselves.

Sometimes, I think maybe it seems to people outside of our relationship like I'm the one having a big impact on him, because the ways in which I help him are more visible. I am ambitious and goal-oriented, organized and efficient. I'm a planner and a go-getter. He is a daydreamer, a scatterbrain, almost comically disorganized, a procrastinator, and an epic slob. This big difference between us has pushed him and provoked him to improve a vast amount in areas like not putting off unpleasant but necessary tasks, sticking to a schedule and a to-do list, keeping a clean house, accomplishing plans, and generally getting his act together and getting things done.

The things he does for me, however, are not as obviously apparent, but they are incredibly important. I am a deeply stubborn person. I have a really hard time admitting when I'm wrong, have not traditionally been a skilled apologizer, and compromising does not come naturally to me. I tend to think of what would be good for me before I think about what would be good for others in my life. Steel City Groom has the biggest and kindest heart of anyone I know, and the depths of his capacity for selflessness and generosity continually amaze and humble me. He always, always thinks of me (and the other people he loves) before he thinks of himself, and is willing to do anything he possibly can to make me happy. From him, I have learned to apologize wholeheartedly and to admit when I'm wrong unconditionally. He has also taught me to forgive quickly, without reservations, and move on. I always think of the example he sets in putting me first, and I strive to follow it by putting his needs and wants at the top of my own priorities. I try really hard to remember that true compromise means making legitimate, real sacrifices in the interest of the greater good of the partnership, and does not mean getting exactly your way 85% of the time instead of 100%.

Obviously, neither one of us has perfected the other. He still sometimes plays video games for six hours instead of taking care of his responsibilities, and arguing with me is still sometimes like trying to find a peaceable solution with a steamroller-brick wall hybrid. But the point is, we're trying, and it's working. And maybe even more importantly, I think we make each other want to be better people. So I think part of why I missed him so much these past two weeks is because I feel like my best self when he's around. I don't just love him, I admire him and look up to him, as well. And I know he feels the same about me. And I think I better stop before rainbows and beams of magic actually shoot out of my ears from all the love I'm slopping all over the place right now.

Are you and your fiance more similar, or different? What have you two taught each other over the course of your relationship?

The Times When I Knew

When I was in high school, I never had boyfriends. I dated about two people for approximately ten seconds, and that was my track record. My social scene back then largely consisted of performing in the marching band during halftime of the football games and going to the bowling alley with the other members of the school play. You get the idea.


Daria Morgendorffer and Angela Chase (pre-Jordan Catalano): two girls who hit pretty close to home for me in the high school years.

Once I got to college, though, I found myself with a boyfriend (Mr. O!) almost immediately. Considering how young we both were--I was actually still a few weeks short of my eighteenth birthday!--and how little experience we each had with serious (or.....any) relationships, it really sort of boggles my mind to think about how we got to be here, at this point in our lives, planning our wedding.

I think the process of putting marriage on the table is different for the really-young-when-we-met brides and the the first-real-boyfriend brides (or those, like me, who are both!) than for people who meet when they're a little older and wiser. I can promise you that when I was seventeen, the word "husband" was not, under any circumstances, crossing my mind. So how did I get here? I can't speak for Mr. O, but I can give you my perspective on the major experiences across the years that got me to the point of wanting to be his wife.

Year One: This Guy is Awesome
Like I said, back in the early days, "forever" was nonexistent to me. But I did find myself really, really liking him. Things between us were easy and fun. Something I've always cherished is the absence of drama and conflict in our relationship; instead, it was mellow and calm. Things just worked. We both loved trying new things and having little adventures, and we spent a lot of time laughing.

Year Three: Bon Voyage!
As a junior in college, I had the opportunity to fulfill one of my dreams--studying abroad for a semester (are there any other Semester at Sea alums out there in the hive?!). Mr. Octopus and I were separated for three and a half months, often going for long stretches of time without communicating at all. It was really hard for both of us, but he never said a single unsupportive word. His only message, ever, was how thrilled and excited he was for me. He was so selfless in his efforts to make the experience joyful for me, and I was so humbled by it.


Here are two little doodles Mr. O drew and e-mailed to me while I was studying abroad. It shows him, missing me, with little hearts above his head at Pitt, and me, missing him, with little hearts above my head on the ship. I ugly-cried for about two hours after receiving this.

Years Five and Beyond: Las Vegas
As college was ending, we knew we had to make a decision about where our relationship was going. I had been accepted to Teach for America, and I really wanted to join. We chose: I would accept the offer, and he would come with me. TFA sent us to Las Vegas, and we moved two thousand miles to live together for the first time. We had some really great times, and we had some really hard times. We worked through all of it, the little mundane everyday things, and the big, major, life-decision things. We built a life together. And I still have more fun with him than with anyone else I know.





And that's how I realized: this man is my other half, my best friend, and the love of my life. He's my family. In the first few years, we both went through some brief periods of wondering if this was truly the relationship we wanted, or only the relationship we knew, but as time progressed, I became certain: it's the relationship I want, and I want it forever. Every time we go through something, good or bad, we get to know each other a little bit better, we communicate a little easier, and we're a little more bonded than we were before. Every day of our relationship is a choice, and every day, I choose him. I'm so excited to get married.

How did you know that your significant other was the one you wanted to marry?